Today the clouds look pregnant
as if they had a heavy load
soon they dropped their fat hail
much more than they could hold
down
down
dropping their balls of ice
covering everything in sight
making trees hard to see
Today the clouds look pregnant
as if they had a heavy load.
by Erika E. Mooney
Draft 2
2/22/08
________________________________________
Understand my older daughter (turning 11 this week) hates writing. She physically hates writing (because she says no matter how hard she tries, it's always messy) and she intellectually hates writing (because she has so much difficulty spelling).
In the back seat of the van, she looked up at the gray clouds yesterday and said, "The clouds look pregnant today." I almost whirled around in shock, but since I was driving, thought better of it.
"Erika!" I exclaimed. "What did you say?"
"Never mind," she said. I don't know if she thought she was in trouble or not.
"No really, tell me. Please?"
"I said the clouds looked pregnant."
"Oh my gosh, Erika, that's an amazing simile for a poem!"
"Well actually, I heard it from my Eragon CD." She is fond of listening to stories on CD before bedtime.
"Find some paper back there! Write a poem about it!" (Geek mom was all excited.)
So she did. She did it willingly. She was really into it.
Her first draft was wordier than this final piece (without a doubt, my child). It had parts that were too prosaic. She repeated "heavy load" too many times. I wanted her to use her own words.
Parking and walking in for our appointment I told her, "Now it's time to edit the poem. We can do that on the way home."
Big sigh. "I HATE editing!"
"Why?"
"The worst part of editing? You have to go through and fix all your spelling and..."
"No," I told her. "It's creative writing. It's not that kind of editing. First, we go through and get rid of all the unnecessary words. Then we go through and make sure each word is the right one to say what you want to say. You use similes and metaphors like you did." She was picking up little rocks she had spotted en route to the front door. She loves rocks. "Are you listening?"
"Yes," she said. "You said we are going to go through and fix the words."
Kids are listening even when you think they aren't.
Once back in the van, I told her to pick it back up. She kind of sighed, but she did it. "This is going to be easy," I said. "Let's go line by line."
She read each line to me. I pointed out where she had repeated words, and I asked her to write another descriptive word in its place. It was painful recall for her, but she did it. "Wonderful!" I told her, each time she picked new words.
I explained what it means to not need a word and why. We axed the words she decided she didn't need. There were parts she refused to ax (she has artistic integrity, after all), but she crossed out a lot.
"Erika, that is so awesome! I'm going to put it on my blog!"
She beamed. Nothing like an audience as a reward for hard writing work.
By the time I reached the poem this morning, I could see her struggles with spelling and her downward slope of writing. The paper had no lines, and she had problems with her pen. If I could scan the original, I would. (Stupid scanner isn't working.) I removed only one word that didn't make sense (an extraneous "but). You have to understand what went into this poem.
The writing process, in action, in the imagination of my girl who is usually more literal--how awesome to see live and up close!
She's definitely getting older, my dear child steeped in Eragon.
as if they had a heavy load
soon they dropped their fat hail
much more than they could hold
down
down
dropping their balls of ice
covering everything in sight
making trees hard to see
Today the clouds look pregnant
as if they had a heavy load.
by Erika E. Mooney
Draft 2
2/22/08
________________________________________
Understand my older daughter (turning 11 this week) hates writing. She physically hates writing (because she says no matter how hard she tries, it's always messy) and she intellectually hates writing (because she has so much difficulty spelling).
In the back seat of the van, she looked up at the gray clouds yesterday and said, "The clouds look pregnant today." I almost whirled around in shock, but since I was driving, thought better of it.
"Erika!" I exclaimed. "What did you say?"
"Never mind," she said. I don't know if she thought she was in trouble or not.
"No really, tell me. Please?"
"I said the clouds looked pregnant."
"Oh my gosh, Erika, that's an amazing simile for a poem!"
"Well actually, I heard it from my Eragon CD." She is fond of listening to stories on CD before bedtime.
"Find some paper back there! Write a poem about it!" (Geek mom was all excited.)
So she did. She did it willingly. She was really into it.
Her first draft was wordier than this final piece (without a doubt, my child). It had parts that were too prosaic. She repeated "heavy load" too many times. I wanted her to use her own words.
Parking and walking in for our appointment I told her, "Now it's time to edit the poem. We can do that on the way home."
Big sigh. "I HATE editing!"
"Why?"
"The worst part of editing? You have to go through and fix all your spelling and..."
"No," I told her. "It's creative writing. It's not that kind of editing. First, we go through and get rid of all the unnecessary words. Then we go through and make sure each word is the right one to say what you want to say. You use similes and metaphors like you did." She was picking up little rocks she had spotted en route to the front door. She loves rocks. "Are you listening?"
"Yes," she said. "You said we are going to go through and fix the words."
Kids are listening even when you think they aren't.
Once back in the van, I told her to pick it back up. She kind of sighed, but she did it. "This is going to be easy," I said. "Let's go line by line."
She read each line to me. I pointed out where she had repeated words, and I asked her to write another descriptive word in its place. It was painful recall for her, but she did it. "Wonderful!" I told her, each time she picked new words.
I explained what it means to not need a word and why. We axed the words she decided she didn't need. There were parts she refused to ax (she has artistic integrity, after all), but she crossed out a lot.
"Erika, that is so awesome! I'm going to put it on my blog!"
She beamed. Nothing like an audience as a reward for hard writing work.
By the time I reached the poem this morning, I could see her struggles with spelling and her downward slope of writing. The paper had no lines, and she had problems with her pen. If I could scan the original, I would. (Stupid scanner isn't working.) I removed only one word that didn't make sense (an extraneous "but). You have to understand what went into this poem.
The writing process, in action, in the imagination of my girl who is usually more literal--how awesome to see live and up close!
She's definitely getting older, my dear child steeped in Eragon.
